


Love, In Spite

by matan4il



Series: Fics written for 911 fandom weeks [8]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Forehead Kisses, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Sick Character, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25204486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matan4il/pseuds/matan4il
Summary: Buck's eyes have never been brighter than they are right now and it terrifies Eddie.With all of the daring, stupid rescues Buck pulls, of all the ways Eddie had considered he might lose Buck, this was not one of them.OrA viral infection puts Buck's life on the line and Eddie is by his hospital bed, choking on the love confession he never got to make.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Fics written for 911 fandom weeks [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1818772
Comments: 37
Kudos: 258





	Love, In Spite

**Author's Note:**

  * For [falconbigbutt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/falconbigbutt/gifts).



> Thank you to the amazing [Nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki) and [Toughpaperround](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound/pseuds/ToughPaperRound) who helped me out with this fic!
> 
> Another big thank you to the talented [Auddieliz09](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auddieliz09/pseuds/Auddieliz09) for the incredible banner and on such short notice, too! 
> 
> Dedicated to the incomparable Kourt, who wanted hurt/comfort. Thank you for not just being a wonderful person, but also such a great supporter of creators throughout the 911/Buddie fandom. You rock! <3 
> 
> Posted for 911 Appreciation Week 2020, day 6.

  
  


Buck's eyes have never been brighter than they are right now and it terrifies Eddie. 

With all of the daring, stupid rescues Buck pulls, of all the ways Eddie had considered he might lose Buck, this was not one of them. A virus that people of his age, with his robust immune system, shouldn't even flinch at. But somehow the fever has taken hold, making Buck's eyes brim unusually. His skin is flushed and the red hue would normally compliment his birthmark, emphasize his eyes, but now it's a constant reminder of what might be. 

Several doctors have rotated to see him already and they're not saying it aloud, but the fear is there, vibrating anxiously in the sterile hospital air. Three nurses are whispering at the corner of the room, as if doing it there makes this any less terrifying or like the murmur about fatality rates at this age group are somehow inaudible if it's whispered from over there. And the 118 may all be gathered by Buck's bed together with his sister, trying to play along with the nurses' pretense, but it's Eddie who's holding his hand, too scared to let go of it. Not that this was easy, everyone in the room had to be carefully inspected to make sure they had no open cuts before they were allowed gloveless contact, but the comfort of skin against skin makes Eddie glad they did, it's worth it if it helps in any measure. Buck's hand in his tremors constantly, nothing too visible, anyone looking at him laying in bed wouldn't be able to make out that he's shaking, but it's there and it refuses to go away. 

Eddie's perfectly aware that he shouldn't be so forward with the hand-holding, that Maddie takes precedence over him in being by Buck's side. He, as a mere friend, has no rights here, which is his own damn fault. For months he's been working to gather up the courage to tell Buck how he feels. Months and endless opportunities, all wasted. He's been right on the edge countless times. His mouth opened, but when he spoke, the words that came out weren't the intended ones. He wanted to say, 'you make me happy,' but ended up saying, 'thanks for having us over after that shitty call.' He meant to say, 'I never knew I could be so attracted to my best friend,' and instead he said, 'I saw that band you liked is coming into town, got us a couple of tickets to see them together.' He tried to say, 'I think I'm in love with you and I'd like to kiss you and find out if it's everything I've been dreaming of,' yet what comes out is, 'I thought you'd want to see this, Christopher drew you a picture today in class, it has all three of us together.' 

Buck smiled at him every time, without fail, wide and with a twinkle in his eye. And Eddie might have failed his mission in each case, but he still felt unreasonably content, being the cause of that smile, so he'd return it, take a sip from his beer and swallow his feelings, just in case, despite his hopes, they would ruin the good thing he has with his best friend. 

With Buck, this man who has somehow become the beginning and the end of Eddie's world, while Chris fills in everything in the middle. What can he possibly do now, when his world might come to an end without even knowing his own significance to Eddie? 

"Buck, I..." he wants to say more, but words are failing him again. 

"It's ok, Eddie," Buck replies softly. "If you're trying to say what I think you are, you don't have to. I know. I understood what you were telling me, every time you did. Hey, you better not beat yourself up for not having said anything before, yeah? I heard you... and I love you. Promise me, no guilt over things that can't be changed, okay?" 

Eddie nods. Because he's a moron who still doesn't know how to express what's in his heart, not even now, after Buck's done the heavy lifting for him. His hand closes tighter around that of the man who has glimpsed underneath his defenses and guessed correctly everything that he was unable to convey. The man he loves. 

One of the nurses comes over. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you all want to be by Mr. Buckley's side, but I'm afraid there are too many people in here. We're going to have to ask everyone except for one person to leave, there's a visitors' room set up where you can all wait for him." 

Wait... and long for him. As if that's not all Eddie's been doing, in one form or another, since probably the moment that they'd met. 

"You should stay," he tells Maddie, but his fingers' grip is no less tight where he's holding Buck. 

She smiles sadly at him, "No, I heard what my little brother just said, it should be you." Buck's eyes are glistening and normally, he would have had a retort for his sister already. Instead, he's quiet and his grasp back is weak. Eddie looks on at where Buck's not letting go of him either and realizes he wouldn't be able to move from this spot anyway, so he puts any objections he should be making aside and instead accepts Maddie's insistence with a grateful nod. She takes one step away before she stops, looks back at him and adds, "I hope you heard him, too." 

She leaves and the rest of the team does as well, all saying their goodbyes before moving out, Bobby laying a comforting hand on Eddie's shoulder and then they're all out the door. Even the nurses take their leave, right after one of them promises she'll be back soon to check for vitals. And suddenly, there's silence. It's thin and brittle, much like how Buck's skin feels under Eddie's fingers and the worst possible scenario continues to play in his horrified mind. 

"Buck, I'm..." he starts, but he really has no clue how to finish it. 

"It's alright," Buck promises him again, a heart-wrenchingly feeble squeeze added to emphasize his point. "I told you, I love you. I've been waiting for you to be ready, that's all. And that takes time, it's natural. You haven't let me down with this, you hear me?" he repeats the reassurance. Or maybe he thinks he's saying it for the first time, Eddie can't tell for certain. 

It doesn't matter anyway, because if Buck can be this strong even when he's possibly dying, Eddie can be a bit braver. 

He intertwines their fingers and replies, "I swear that I'm not going to feel guilty, but you have to hear me out as well, okay? Because it does matter that I say this. I love you, with all my heart. I've been in love with you for what's felt like forever and I'm not even a little bit sorry for that. I'm..." he's starting to choke on his speech again, because in addition to not being great at this sort of thing... really, what's he meant to say next? If this were a regular love confession, he'd ask Buck for a future together or at least a joint journey to see if they can have one, if they're as suited to each other as lovers as they have been as friends and secret crushes. But they may not get that and if that is how things unfold, hard as it is to even imagine that, what does his gesture even mean? Maybe it's nothing more than a gift, the simplest kind, for Buck to treasure while that's still possible. "I've made so many jokes, but I need you to know just how amazing you are to me. On the job, I tease you, but the truth is I also value how brave and creative you are. With Chris, you make me..." 

"Eds, what are you still doing here?" Buck cuts him off suddenly and the way he looks straight forward, it's as if he's not quite seeing Eddie, like he's gazing through him at something that's hiding in the shadows at the corner of the room. 

"What do you mean? I'm here with you," Eddie replies, his fingers squeezing gently. 

"You shouldn't be." Buck's running a fever and his sweat is cold, his voice is low, his face is solemn, seemingly shutting out everything but the shadows. 

It's even scarier than what he was like a couple of minutes before. 

"You're here," Eddie re-affirms, because that is the answer to every question and he hopes he can capture Buck's look, which is weird when it's on him. 

"You have to leave," Buck ignores whatever was being implied and as he continues, his voice becomes more and more agitated, "You can't be here when it happens. You want to help, I get that, but there's nothing you can do and when it is time, Eds, you've already been there when it happened with Shannon, you can't go through that again. I won't let you..." 

His voice dissolves due to shortness of breath and when it fails him, he tries to get up instead, as if he were going to get off the bed and physically remove Eddie from the room. Under any other circumstances, he's just stubborn and strong enough that he might have gotten away with it. But as it is now, he's too physically weak to do it. It's ridiculously, heartbreakingly easy to stop him and force him to lie back down in the hospital bed, cover him up so the cold sweat doesn't become too much. 

"See?" Eddie asks, "How can I not love you? I'm not going." There's the beginning of tears in his eyes, which he's trying to blink away, because if Buck notices them, he'd probably only get more upset. Maybe try to get off the bed again or even call the nurses to demand he be left alone. 

Eddie wants to kiss Buck with all he has and is. Whenever he tried to play out in his imagination what would follow his love confession, that's exactly how they would seal it, with a kiss... Well, in the scenarios where he wasn't rejected. Eddie would kiss Buck with all of the desire he's been burying inside for too long and with that sense of coming home, to the man who was always going to make him feel more himself than anything else ever did. 

It's what he can't do now. Buck is running a dangerous fever and kissing him, actually opening themselves to each other and sharing that kiss, is too contagious. Sure, Eddie's immune system should be able to take on the virus, but... Buck's was supposed to be able to handle it as well. Then of course, there's Chris and his possible exposure to the virus, which might also be considered. Eddie does what he's had to do for most of his life, he settles. He kisses the man he loves, for the first time, nothing like what he had imagined or craved. It's a chaste kiss that he plants on Buck's forehead, as close as he can get to the hairline, and it's nothing like what he had pictured they'd exchange, it doesn't steal Buck's breath away when that's already coming short and shallow... But it's Eddie at his most sincere. It's comforting and reassuring, it's mourning and in denial simultaneously, but it's also still as deep as a more passionate kiss would have been, he still means it with every bone and fiber in his body and most of all, it still feels like coming home. 

* * * 

When the nurse comes to check up on Buck in the morning, she has a strange look in her eyes. Eddie has spent the night by the bed, only half asleep, if not less than that, his hand always around Buck's wrist and against his pulse point, every once in a while waking up just to listen to him, make sure he is still breathing. Now he's staring at her with trepidation, trying unsuccessfully to decipher what her expression means. "That's... unexpected," she says and from her expression, like she's displeased with what she just let out, it's clear she was caught off guard when she made that remark and has no intention of expanding on it. 

"What is?" He's practically begging. "Please, is there something wrong with his vitals? You can tell me anything, I used to be an army medic." 

She regards him in a way that tells him she wasn't supposed to answer any questions, but hearing 'army medic' does change the look on her face, maybe she had a loved one who served, or maybe it's a courtesy to a colleague of sorts, so she ends up telling him, "Well, we didn't think this would happen and we can't know for sure that he's out of the woods yet, but... the fever has broken."


End file.
